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Quip it.

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 01:56:30 GMT

Each man with whom you've ever been will need the strength of six should he wish to live again.

Thu, 17 May 2007 06:48:06 GMT

If only there were more hours in a day, I'd devote them solely to this and the illustrious recordings of Mr. Billy Joel.

Don't judge me, friends. Despite my rugged, masculine appearance—which undoubtedly suggests the character of a woodsman—I am in fact a huge nerd who may or may not have skipped his high school prom for a cup of hot cocoa and a good book.

Avoiding Confusion

Wed, 09 May 2007 04:29:17 GMT

Is ambiguity ever really necessary? Unless you're constructing a new religion—or defending an existing one—the answer's no. However, please realize that one can often be inadvertently vague, sometimes due to thoughtlessness; other times, just plain laziness. With that in mind, I fear my last post may have been grossly misinterpreted, and the fault is mine for being unclear. I did not for a moment wish to imply that I was displeased with anyone; in fact, it's quite the opposite.

In the last few months I've met some pretty terrific people. In all earnestness, they've brought about a profound change in my frame of mind, and I'd hate for appreciation to be absent where it is most deserved. I am truly indebted.

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 08:32:04 GMT

Life, as I see it, has but two parts: the first being a struggle to find others with whom you truly agree; the second being death. And while it is apparent that "love" plays an important role for many, I, myself, find something of such an ephemeral, capricious nature hardly even worth mentioning. Though, far be it from me to criticize anyone's priorities but my own.

Orientation: An Introduction to Belief, Faith, Dogma, Superstition & Ridiculously Verbose Titles

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 21:33:28 GMT

Welcome, and congratulations on your recent adoption of the Christian faith. Let me first assure you that you've made the right decision—of all the faiths you could have chosen, ours is damn near the finest, not to mention the most prevalent here in the states. Thus, no more flyin' solo, you just made about two hundred million new friends.

Before we continue, I'd like for you to take out your newly acquired bible. Now, don't be fooled by its countless contradictions or barbaric moral precepts (did I mention we advocate slavery?¹); that's the word of an omnipotent being you got there in your hands. And the cover: genuine leather. I dare say no other religious text has ever been bound in leather.

The first thing you need to know about Christianity is that our beliefs are 100% immune from criticism. That's right, you may now give credence to virtually any absurd claim you see fit—no "evidence" or "rational argument" required. As Jesus said on many occasions, "Critical thinking is for scientists, not believers."² If you are ever challenged, simply declare your allegiance to Christ, and send your atheist enemies a-packin'. Believe me, you won't have to tell them twice. And, if you suspect you may one day encounter someone of a different faith, be sure to always have your bible close by. Surely these "people" can't argue with a book which clearly states that it is the word of God. What more proof could one possibly ask for?

Next, we have a little saying around here: "If it sounds good, and gets your fellow believers all excited, it doesn't necessarily have to make sense." See, an important aspect of Christianity is the relentless use of vacuous rhetoric. "The Lord speaks to your heart" and "The heart doesn't lie" are both great examples. But really anything to do with the "heart" will suffice, as long as you use it in the most vague, abstract sense possible. If you or anyone else can understand what it means, or are able to extract a literal translation, you're not using it properly. Remember: when in doubt, there's an array of other positive words such as love, salvation, holiness and peace that you may haphazardly string together; it's sure to provoke an uproar of hallelujahs, and requires very little effort.

Last, but not least, your primary function as a Christian is to be offended and outraged by anyone who happens to espouse a different and clearly more rational ideology than your own. They may have reason, but we have a tool that's not only extremely powerful, it's also disturbingly pervasive: it's called dogma.

—Derek

¹ "You may acquire male and female slaves from the pagan nations that are around you." —Leviticus 25:44
² Contrary to popular belief, the term "scientist" was actually coined by Jesus in his early twenties. However, he was known only to have used it in a derogatory manner, often followed by him spitting on the ground or making a rude gesture.

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 17:28:53 GMT

wow.

do yourself a favor.

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 23:44:14 GMT

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 04:52:56 GMT

we need a new roommate. who will it be?

prerequisites:

you don't mind the frequent company of mike.
you can handle a few jokes here or there.
your feelings are not easily hurt.
you prefer the term nigger over its more "politically correct" counterpart african-american.
you find ted koppel informative and witty.
you're capable of growing a full beard and mustache
(beard not required for females.)
you aren't straight edge, but you enjoy getting straight edge tattoos.

christians and jews need not apply.

housing includes a steady diet of virtua tennis and curb your enthusiasm.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 16:18:20 GMT